Entry tags:

only human mostly harmless, onwards and upwards

Earlier today I was seized with a familiar feeling: the optimistic, superhuman surge of energy and high goals. This comes when I become aware of my 'potential', my power to change my world, and I realise all the changes I can make in my life, all the possibilities open to me right now.

I love this feeling, but I fear it too, as it has an unforgiving arc. First comes the rush, when I believe I can do and be anything. Then pressure grows, as being capable of wonders equates to needing to perform them. The down begins in that phase, continues as I look back and think of all I /haven't/ accomplished and how I'm already 23, etc, and I guilt-beat myself with what remains of the enthusiastic hope.

Obviously, this isn't an unchangeable pattern, and part of recording it here (as I'm sure I've done before) is so that I can examine it more closely. Life is good to me, you know? And life has been good to me, given me many tendencies and abilities and talents that need nurturing, and I will not continue to let neurosis and fear keep me from tending to them. I have, in these mindsets, such a wild flare of longing to be, undirected and so large and powerful that I briefly feel like a goddess in a human form. I have to find a way to channel it.

Keeping away from extremes is probably a good start. In this kind of mindset, I jump straight to extremes. Of working my heart right out, of learning, socialising, writing, drawing, running 24/7. There is no room for sleep in the fantasies that sprout now, and I literally do daydream of working to and beyond injury - a mental rebellion against my ordinary lazy pleasure-seeking mentality.

I daydreamed improvements earlier, made firm, small, fully-believed promises -- to keep my flat spotless (every resolution starts with cleaning, for me, since 'if the house is tidy' was this impossible but plausible block on doing things back home), using all of my time purposefully, and so on.

One that does seem sensible attacks right at the root of my 'I am hopelessly unaccomplished and useless' belief - learn to do *something* sufficiently well every $timeperiod. I'm not sure what $timeperiod should be, but I know that the somethings should be small, worthwhile, and well-defined. And not simply involve reading -- books are not the answer to everything, self! I'm thinking simple, practical skills: learn to sew on a button, fry sausages, apply eyeliner. Uh... it perhaps tells you something about me that the 'important skills' I think of are so minor and such gendered things too. And this just paragraphs after I talk about feeling like a goddess! But I really need some practicality and a sense of really being able to do things, and starting small is a good way to start and ugh I'm getting embarrassed and overdefending against invisible enemies, am I not?

Anyway, in case anyone was concerned, I am not dead and that's some of what's going through my mind at the moment. Surprisingly, I've been feeling pretty good in the past week, despite the blocking off of the incentive career break. Oh, and despite a toothache, and my first visit to the dentist in, uh, thirteen years or so. (My teeth are in good nick, astonishingly! Especially strange since I take no care of them and eat sugar at every meal.) I've been re-evaluating life and what's to come and where I'm going to go, and despite intermittent spells of frustration with myself and with work, feel pretty centred and hopeful. More to come soon, as I feel that regularly journalling and keeping honest will be useful in channelling these bursts of positive energy.