the NPC who tells you the bridges are open

1. Ireland

Oh, this place. The country where I've spent my life so far, but for a few weeks in England and one in the USA. I can't say I know it all that well, having been in my head and lands of books while my body lives here, but it's not a bad place to live at all. We have the best English accents (not you, Cavan, Cork, Dublin, but elsewhere) and a pleasantly mild (though damp) climate. Ireland. My feelings on it have long been influenced by dar -- first my dissatisfaction with this place ignited, then I rebelled away from that, before finding my own neutral centre. I'm no raving patriot, but I'm fond of this small green place.

2. Writing

A tricky one for me. I used to consider myself a writer. I used to be a writer -- I wrote daily, I brimmed with words and found a deep satisfaction in translating experiences into words. But I stopped having anything to say, and I couldn't write. I'm still there, except that I can write, a little, when I need or want to speak. But it's rarer and comes out without ease.

3. Independence

Independence *matters* to me. Lots. -- hah, I took a break from writing these answers to read through my journal, and found this very apropos entry. Independence -- being a unit unto myself, self-sufficient and entirely happy without aid from others. It's important to me, but I take it too far in that I'm not comfortable *not* being truly independent. I see anything less as deviations from it that may send me back to my pupa-like teenage state -- acting incapable and letting my parents do everything for me, or living through other people and their views. I'm attempting to learn to have healthy, close, interdependent but not co-dependent friendships. I badly want to. I'm scared to, but it matters to be part of society, to be within the net of relationships and an influenced influence. Sometime I've got to elaborate on my murky thoughts about 'society' and how 'the good of society' is secretly a strong influence on me/my morality. We're herd animals. It's very basic.

4. Friendship

Friendship - I'd forgotten this was next up when I started talking about it above! It's a tricky subject for me, historically and presently. I had such a bad 'best friendship' as a little girl that's set a pattern for future friendships that I've had difficulty breaking, and my response to it has largely been to play different sides of the dynamic, to remove myself entirely from friendships, or to keep people at a safe distance. Working on it. I welcome company in this. Sometimes.

5. Dreamwidth

Dreeeeeamwidth. My new online home. Not everything I wished it could be, as expected, and the energy has ebbed more than it could have, but it's a functioning, living system. People are *using* this site, living on this site. It's revived my interest in journalling and led me to reach out to many more people than I'd met in *years* of LJ usage. For the last couple of months I've slowed right down in my use of the site (any site) as I haven't had a great deal of *outward* energy to give, but it's a priority as soon as I have the reserves for it. Because this place matters, because I have hope for it, because I feel I can make a difference here.

What a week. It's been an excellent one in terms of college: I'm back on track, I've learned stuff, made it to every class this week, my marked assessments got As, I've sorted out an arrangement regarding my undone assignment that will make this the first semester when I've done *every* assignment. I'm proud of myself.

(I also nearly exploded with anxiety during my last class as I realised with horror how little I knew, unable to answer any of the six questions scrawled on the board. Twisted my legs and arms across each other, drew patterns on my arms, frantic for distraction. A break came and I rushed out and around the building, moving from a fast walk into a run as I tried to scrub off the stress by splitting the air with my body. Yet I stayed at college, stayed for another hour, learned, unknotted, relaxed.)

Dreamwidth-wise, it's been excellent too. I'm settling in, meeting so many new, interesting people: my reading list has just *exploded*. It took me about seven years on LJ to work up to reading 129 people's journals: at present on DW I'm reading 126; smart, creative, intriguing people who write at length. All of us beginning our DW lives, setting new standards and honesty levels in our writings, reaching out and making new friends.

(Oh, work blocked it! Based on a commercial filter, Websense, not directed at me. Which is exciting, because it means DW already 'matters' in some sense, as even wretched censorship-based companies know of it (by comparison, Journalfen is not blocked on it, and nor was Insanejournal until pretty recently). So, okay, this is small comfort, but I want *some* comfort!)