the NPC who tells you the bridges are open

OH MY GOD.

Guys, I am breathless with love for Tokio Hotel today, Bill in particular. I've just watched the footage of their 'acceptance speech' from the 2008 Goldene Kamera awards -- this wonderfully audacious bitchy speech, and he's tense and apparently inches taller than usual and his eyes practically flash with proud anger.

( video )

It's (followed? preceded? Not sure) by a brilliant performance of 1000 Meere; again, Bill is on top form, proud and angry. Have you felt it yourself? Full of righteous anger, lit up with stars of rage within, backed by the people you love and you want to scream down the world and all who think you are a tool to be used? That's how I see him in these.

( video )

I have, by the way, had an excellent, excellent day! I didn't have much sleep -- four hours, maybe, because I was very concerned about the exam today and stayed up late studying. I'm generally good for nothing early in the morning unless I have to leave (or have people to annoy), simply keep going back to sleep and was alert till near 5am, so it didn't seem worth it to go to sleep earlier. Went to the exam, quite relaxed, feeling like I didn't know enough but giving myself over to the side of my brain that is mysterious and powerful and comes out with sharp focus when I most need it. And the exam was a walkover. (At least, so I thought -- might know better when we get the results!)

I headed home early -- like many of my classmates, I finished in much less than the time allowed, and even checking carefully couldn't keep me too much longer. I brought a book from the library, and sat outside in the sun reading it until it rained, then headed back to my home area and stopped to study in a lovely cafe (dar, that one with the couches and cupcakes!). Cupcake was disappointing (chocolate banana espresso and slightly stale, not trying that again even if it was better than it sounded), but I was great ;) Studied hard, focusedly, read the entire course textbook and all of the notes I had with me.

I stayed there for a few hours, drinking tea, and left after I'd finished all the reading I had. Bounced off home, in the once-again beautiful sunshine, and oh, I felt full of sun indeed. I then proceeded to tidy my room -- vacuuming, moving and disposing of lots of miscellaneous crap, unpacking (!) some things that'd been there since I moved in. It exhausted me, but, oh, good day. I feel like that Dresden Dolls song -- I took out the trash today and I'm on fire. (Which was my bitter anthem of recovery from depression, determinedly doing it by myself, but it's not bitter today, I'm joyous.) THEN my reward -- lots of Tokio Hotel and basking in the delightfulness of the above videos, and sharing the delight with midwintersong.

Good day. Good day. And I can see so clearly, it's not about the day that was in it, it's about how I felt -- moments of achievement, of light and life and laughter, but put them into someone else's life, they might go unnoticed; put them into mine on a dark day, and I'd sorrow through them. Today I was aware, and filled with brightness.

What a week. It's been an excellent one in terms of college: I'm back on track, I've learned stuff, made it to every class this week, my marked assessments got As, I've sorted out an arrangement regarding my undone assignment that will make this the first semester when I've done *every* assignment. I'm proud of myself.

(I also nearly exploded with anxiety during my last class as I realised with horror how little I knew, unable to answer any of the six questions scrawled on the board. Twisted my legs and arms across each other, drew patterns on my arms, frantic for distraction. A break came and I rushed out and around the building, moving from a fast walk into a run as I tried to scrub off the stress by splitting the air with my body. Yet I stayed at college, stayed for another hour, learned, unknotted, relaxed.)

Dreamwidth-wise, it's been excellent too. I'm settling in, meeting so many new, interesting people: my reading list has just *exploded*. It took me about seven years on LJ to work up to reading 129 people's journals: at present on DW I'm reading 126; smart, creative, intriguing people who write at length. All of us beginning our DW lives, setting new standards and honesty levels in our writings, reaching out and making new friends.

(Oh, work blocked it! Based on a commercial filter, Websense, not directed at me. Which is exciting, because it means DW already 'matters' in some sense, as even wretched censorship-based companies know of it (by comparison, Journalfen is not blocked on it, and nor was Insanejournal until pretty recently). So, okay, this is small comfort, but I want *some* comfort!)