the NPC who tells you the bridges are open

Earlier today I was seized with a familiar feeling: the optimistic, superhuman surge of energy and high goals. This comes when I become aware of my 'potential', my power to change my world, and I realise all the changes I can make in my life, all the possibilities open to me right now.

I love this feeling, but I fear it too, as it has an unforgiving arc. First comes the rush, when I believe I can do and be anything. Then pressure grows, as being capable of wonders equates to needing to perform them. The down begins in that phase, continues as I look back and think of all I /haven't/ accomplished and how I'm already 23, etc, and I guilt-beat myself with what remains of the enthusiastic hope.

Obviously, this isn't an unchangeable pattern, and part of recording it here (as I'm sure I've done before) is so that I can examine it more closely. Life is good to me, you know? And life has been good to me, given me many tendencies and abilities and talents that need nurturing, and I will not continue to let neurosis and fear keep me from tending to them. I have, in these mindsets, such a wild flare of longing to be, undirected and so large and powerful that I briefly feel like a goddess in a human form. I have to find a way to channel it.

Keeping away from extremes is probably a good start. In this kind of mindset, I jump straight to extremes. Of working my heart right out, of learning, socialising, writing, drawing, running 24/7. There is no room for sleep in the fantasies that sprout now, and I literally do daydream of working to and beyond injury - a mental rebellion against my ordinary lazy pleasure-seeking mentality.

I daydreamed improvements earlier, made firm, small, fully-believed promises -- to keep my flat spotless (every resolution starts with cleaning, for me, since 'if the house is tidy' was this impossible but plausible block on doing things back home), using all of my time purposefully, and so on.

One that does seem sensible attacks right at the root of my 'I am hopelessly unaccomplished and useless' belief - learn to do *something* sufficiently well every $timeperiod. I'm not sure what $timeperiod should be, but I know that the somethings should be small, worthwhile, and well-defined. And not simply involve reading -- books are not the answer to everything, self! I'm thinking simple, practical skills: learn to sew on a button, fry sausages, apply eyeliner. Uh... it perhaps tells you something about me that the 'important skills' I think of are so minor and such gendered things too. And this just paragraphs after I talk about feeling like a goddess! But I really need some practicality and a sense of really being able to do things, and starting small is a good way to start and ugh I'm getting embarrassed and overdefending against invisible enemies, am I not?

Anyway, in case anyone was concerned, I am not dead and that's some of what's going through my mind at the moment. Surprisingly, I've been feeling pretty good in the past week, despite the blocking off of the incentive career break. Oh, and despite a toothache, and my first visit to the dentist in, uh, thirteen years or so. (My teeth are in good nick, astonishingly! Especially strange since I take no care of them and eat sugar at every meal.) I've been re-evaluating life and what's to come and where I'm going to go, and despite intermittent spells of frustration with myself and with work, feel pretty centred and hopeful. More to come soon, as I feel that regularly journalling and keeping honest will be useful in channelling these bursts of positive energy.

My plans for September and beyond have been taking some shape, against my logical will. I still have not had a 'yea' or 'nay' from work, so Berlin, Prague, Morocco, Jordan, Iceland may all be much further away. They're a mirage -- in existence, hovering at the horizon -- they might be that close, or a letter from work may cause them to vanish, false visions. But I read travel blogs and guides and remind myself that to believe in something is more heartening than to believe in nothing. I'm after that boosting hope that undoes barriers, be it called passion or inspiration or faith.

This lasting good mood may not last, or at least not sustain its peak, so I'm considering ways to sustain it.

1 -- Get out of the house! And into the sunlight, particularly. Which won't be so hard ifwhen I go travelling the world, but it's so important for me to remember it. No matter how shit I feel, I'll feel shittier still if I spend days in my dark flat. Sunlight, fresh air, time with the computer switched right off.

2 -- Image overhaul! As you can see from my last post (access-locked), I'm not looking particularly gorgeous. Skinnier than suits me (I have no breasts!), dressed in dark colours and unflattering clothes, and don't let's start on my hair. It's been over half a year since I did any serious clothes shopping. I don't know where to start! Except with shoes. Shoes, I need some -- have just a couple of pairs of battered boots and I need new ones.

3 -- MUSIC. New music, especially, no more ruts of going months without a new band. A dose of tuneful rock in a major key is a reliable pick-me-up -- wonderful for my mood, any time. For god's sake, block the sad songs.


My last exam is tomorrow. I think it'll be the hardest, but I can't say I'm too worried. Simply relieved, because that's it, then. I'll be back to work on Tuesday, and can then send in my application for the career break. I mentioned this to juliet on IRC -- I'm seriously going to need some emotional support going ahead with this. I know in a lot of ways that going abroad for three years is something I can certainly handle, that it'll be good for me in many ways, that there is nothing about it that spells 'mistake'. I feel I need to, too. (Freiheit 09, hah) But I'm going to have to tell my mother about it at some point before I leave, and she's already been very negative about the idea.

I'm not under my mum's thumb. I don't live near her any more, for one, am no longer financially dependent. When I want to do something, I just /do/ it, tell her about it afterwards if it's relevant, and I know she won't be able to stop me. But this will be the biggest change I've ever made in my life and she'll be horrified at the idea of my not being safely in the civil service for the next few years, never mind travelling all over the world. I was an incredibly obedient, passive girl for years, and I know she's going to put all the emotional pressure she can on me -- probably not even consciously, but her anxiety will choke me if I let it.

I don't usualy think of myself as being lived through, the child who follows their parents' wishes and ambitions. But, maybe. She wishes she'd joined the civil service, been safely placed where I am now. She wishes she'd had the opportunity to go to college, which I've had over and over. She'd rather I be secure than take risks, even (or especially) to experience the world more fully.

I'm actually quite okay with dealing with apparently "letting her down" this way. I know what's right for me, at least in this case. And my sister will support me, for sure, and you all will too. I'm not sure what is scaring me -- that I will seek an excuse and use her reaction as that excuse?

Really, this is clearing things up for me. Yes, my mother is going to hate this. Yes, I'm going to have a certain amount of horror from her, and quite probably from my aunties and grandma too (though one auntie, I think, will thoroughly support me, and the other may too). Perhaps even from Dad. And I can handle myself -- for all my emo and occasional ridiculous lapses in action when it comes to getting things done, I'm a calm smart cookie who makes things work out when it matters. And I'm going to be okay -- the only thing I can do wrong is to decide not to go, and I'm not going to do that.

What's there to do but think about where to go, then? :) Australia is still my primary choice, though I've heard on the grapevine that visas may have been closed for this year -- going to look into that on Tuesday and find out more. I won't be going until September, anyway, which gives me a little time to get things sorted. The UK is of course a good place to go first, to find my feet and get to job-hunting/temping for the first time in years. I'd like to live on mainland Europe and attain fluency in a language other than English -- I've a smidgen of French, enough to read quite well and understand a few words, but I'd rather live in the Netherlands or Scandinavia than in France. And these are still just the close-by countries -- who doesn't want to explore farther afield? I sure do, though I don't know where to start!