the NPC who tells you the bridges are open

OH MY GOD.

Guys, I am breathless with love for Tokio Hotel today, Bill in particular. I've just watched the footage of their 'acceptance speech' from the 2008 Goldene Kamera awards -- this wonderfully audacious bitchy speech, and he's tense and apparently inches taller than usual and his eyes practically flash with proud anger.

( video )

It's (followed? preceded? Not sure) by a brilliant performance of 1000 Meere; again, Bill is on top form, proud and angry. Have you felt it yourself? Full of righteous anger, lit up with stars of rage within, backed by the people you love and you want to scream down the world and all who think you are a tool to be used? That's how I see him in these.

( video )

I have, by the way, had an excellent, excellent day! I didn't have much sleep -- four hours, maybe, because I was very concerned about the exam today and stayed up late studying. I'm generally good for nothing early in the morning unless I have to leave (or have people to annoy), simply keep going back to sleep and was alert till near 5am, so it didn't seem worth it to go to sleep earlier. Went to the exam, quite relaxed, feeling like I didn't know enough but giving myself over to the side of my brain that is mysterious and powerful and comes out with sharp focus when I most need it. And the exam was a walkover. (At least, so I thought -- might know better when we get the results!)

I headed home early -- like many of my classmates, I finished in much less than the time allowed, and even checking carefully couldn't keep me too much longer. I brought a book from the library, and sat outside in the sun reading it until it rained, then headed back to my home area and stopped to study in a lovely cafe (dar, that one with the couches and cupcakes!). Cupcake was disappointing (chocolate banana espresso and slightly stale, not trying that again even if it was better than it sounded), but I was great ;) Studied hard, focusedly, read the entire course textbook and all of the notes I had with me.

I stayed there for a few hours, drinking tea, and left after I'd finished all the reading I had. Bounced off home, in the once-again beautiful sunshine, and oh, I felt full of sun indeed. I then proceeded to tidy my room -- vacuuming, moving and disposing of lots of miscellaneous crap, unpacking (!) some things that'd been there since I moved in. It exhausted me, but, oh, good day. I feel like that Dresden Dolls song -- I took out the trash today and I'm on fire. (Which was my bitter anthem of recovery from depression, determinedly doing it by myself, but it's not bitter today, I'm joyous.) THEN my reward -- lots of Tokio Hotel and basking in the delightfulness of the above videos, and sharing the delight with midwintersong.

Good day. Good day. And I can see so clearly, it's not about the day that was in it, it's about how I felt -- moments of achievement, of light and life and laughter, but put them into someone else's life, they might go unnoticed; put them into mine on a dark day, and I'd sorrow through them. Today I was aware, and filled with brightness.

Earlier today, I came upon a run of Tokio Hotel videos where Bill was 'singing' from playback -- sucky! And realised I would far far rather him fuck up royally than try to do these fakely flawless performances. Album-like. I mean, what's the point in that? So I dug around in th_cult and struck gold from someone who felt the same way. Early early Tokio Hotel. So enthusiastic! Vid quality is iffy, but it's exceedingly fun upbeat rock that and you can see Bill is enjoying singing, not simply feeding off the audience.

( not official vids, so hopefully will work for all )

For someone who hates watching videos, I've sure watched rather a lot in the last day or so! I must confess why, for the lucky souls who haven't been witness to my extreme squeeage. It's all midwintersong's fault. That little bearer of evil linked a picture or two of Bill Kaulitz, Tokio Hotel's singer. Had never heard of Tokio Hotel until this week, like. But Bill stole my heaaaart instantly. I've never got into a band backwards -- admiring pictures, then listening to the music -- and I'm not altogether sure I would have. I don't usually listen to music in foreign languages, and don't speak a word of German, their native language. And I can't really take their English lyrics seriously. But I could watch Bill forever, and have a growing fondness for his (IDENTICAL, such pretty features, but very different in style) twin Tom, and even the quiet drummer and bass guitarist, Gustav and Georg.

(Currently watching the 19th of their series of weekly videos. 19th! Saw a few of the earlier ones, then started at #1. Good stuff! Subtitled all. I'm picking up a couple of words of German by listening intently.)

This makes the purpose of celebrity crushes clearer to me. I've had the super high of noticing someone, loving the sight of them, wanting to know all about them, but I don't have the possibility of getting involved with them to make it all awkward and painful. It's just pure fun and joy and I can hoard photos of them without being a freakish stalker! Crushes make me incredibly happy, but I'm pretty reserved and closed off and fussy in my infatuations, and my last crush didn't go well -- found it impossible to talk to the person in question, and it quickly made me feel bad to see them, not good. No substitute for a real romance (which I don't really want at present anyway), duh, but why should it be? This celebrity crush is an augmentation of my life with no possibility of harming it.

The videos are great fun to watch. Amanda Palmer aside, I generally have no interest in the lives of musicians (or other artists), but I love seeing the whole span of emotion in these little snippets of life on tour and backstage -- joy, boredom, screaming arguments (just one so far, between the twins), stressed perfectionism, grumpy morningness, both delight and fear at the furious energy of the screaming fans. (I swear, these fans make me think of the maenads. You can imagine them tearing apart Orpheus.) I read diaries and write one -- of course I love the full spectrum of human life, right down to its mundanities. And that's what these are -- video diaries.

(I'm not neglecting my studies for these! I'm rewarding myself with videos after each period of study. Yay motivators :D)