(no subject)

[phoenix]

Thinking aloud and unsure of where my thoughts are going. I'm in a state of stuckness with regard to the assignment I promised to do for tomorrow evening. I gave the promise, unrequested and nervous, saw the sympathetic look in my lecturer's eye as he agreed to demand it tomorrow evening. I know that I could get extra time on it, but extra time for what? To suffer? To worry? No, I *want* to have it in. But I've kept the thought of it out of my mind, shut it out whenever it intruded, because I associate the act of doing the assignment with so much stress. I picture myself in rooms while at college, grey-faced and blank-minded, not bringing a single thought to the surface, and I feel like that. I picture discordant sounds that slice at the brain accompanying writing the assignment, and the image is enough to change my mind's topic. (The sounds feel like 'wrong, wrong, this is wrong, you cannot, you cannot show this to anyone, you will remember this and hate yourself for it'.)

I bob in and out of self-development blogs, peek at self-help books, you know how it is. Wanting to learn yourself, mend yourself, improve yourself. I'm scared to put these things into practice, because they seem to require a freedom from pride or shame just to *start*, and a taking oneself seriously that I don't want to try.

I'm seeking meaning in the everyday, literally. Running an experiment on my perceptions, asking myself to 'see' meaning in everything, to read something into everything I see. Asking myself for an emotional association from everything that catches my eye. (Not people, I have practice at that, too much. This is partly for my photography, so I can develop a visual symbolic language, and partly just because it's good to knowingly tweak one's perceptions.)

Comments

[hl]

You're right, it does require a certain freedom from pride and shame... but you can also fake it, which is what I do.

At one point I was able to identify that that was my problem, and I decided to construct that freedom for myself; I soon realized I just couldn't do it in that order. I wasn't able to get to it just like that, and I was screwing my life because I was avoiding too many things that--I said to myself--I would do when I was better at it.

So I now just... do them. Post in public, write for an audience, turn in assignments, talk in class, got a study group and talk there. All the while I'm shivering inside myself telling 'no no no, get back in here; this, this and this will probably happen, and you will be embarrassed, and no one will respect you ever again'. Of course I win over myself a lot of times, and there are a ton of things I should be doing (like knocking on lab doors to get minion work in research) and I do not because I can't fake it at that level.

I know it's not very useful to be told this; one person experience is not going to serve much to another. But I just wanted to tell you that I totally get you, and I hope you can resolve it to your satisfaction.

[juliet]

This rings very true for me, as well: the 'fake it till you make it' approach.

But some of it for me doesn't so much require a freedom from the negative stuff as a willingness/decision to ignore it. Take positive affirmations, for example, which I think can be an incredibly powerful tool (they certainly are v useful for me in brain-reprogramming). When I first started consciously telling myself that I am a good person, that I am a smart person, that I am competent, that I am worthwhile: it felt SO DAMN FAKE. And I felt *foolish*. I still can't usually do them out loud (unless it's just talking-to-self thought-vocalisation), and they still sometimes, if I'm having a bad day, make me cringe a bit and trigger the 'but that's just not true!' or 'god, get over yourself already' or whatever thought-loops. But I decided at the time that I was going to ignore that stuff and do it anyway, and (for me), there really were positive effects.

The bad mental pictures about work sound v familiar. I had a very bad time during my second year at uni and frequently just couldn't even look at my work for fear of the upcoming panic attack. These days I still sometimes get the this-is-going-to-be-shit stuff when I'm writing (I'm a tech writer/journalist). And in fact writing about this now it's just occurred to me that what I should try in dealing with this is to consciously replace the bad mental images with positive ones: me typing away feeling confident, the final-check-for-coherence stage where I can see the finish line, the 'ticking it off the list!' moment. Which, yeah, I *know* is going to feel clunky as hell in my brain, but that doesn't necessarily mean it won't work...

Anyway. Good luck with your own work, and with the more general working-with-brain things.

[ex_patchworks703]

When I first started consciously telling myself that I am a good person, that I am a smart person, that I am competent, that I am worthwhile: it felt SO DAMN FAKE. And I felt *foolish*. I still can't usually do them out loud (unless it's just talking-to-self thought-vocalisation), and they still sometimes, if I'm having a bad day, make me cringe a bit and trigger the 'but that's just not true!' or 'god, get over yourself already' or whatever thought-loops.

I agree so much with this, although I usually make that kind of positive affirmation in writing, because it's written communication that gives me the most trouble. It feels awkward and kitschy, but it works for me, as does reminding myself that no, I'm not ugly and stupid and useless, that it's the sickness doing its rotten best to make me feel that way. I wish I'd made this discovery before having to drop out of uni for the rest of the academic year because I was scared of doing my work (I'm itching to go back now).

It is really scary to make that first move into self-help because it indicates believing that you're going to get better, and being unable to think of a better future is one of the most crippling symptons. But you can and will get better, and it looks like we're around the same stage in recovery and I know what you mean. Good luck!

[phoenix]

Oh, this hits home *now* -- I think I was too deep into hopeless unpanic when I read it back in May, but *now*. Yes. Thank you.

[brenna]

a taking oneself seriously that I don't want to try

^ This. I get this.

I never could change myself on purpose, though I definitely tried. Finally I just started asking myself questions, inner-adult to inner-child style, and a surprising number of things took care of themselves. Now I think of personal development as less self-directed (though of course the things you read and take in in the attempt will do their work) and more as something that just shows up when you have the right combination of information and experience and timing.

I feel kind of dumb handing out sage wisdom when we're the same age... but obviously not dumb enough!