I have the brain plague, don't get bitten

[phoenix]

The other day, I read a book called The Brain Plague, about microbial people who inhabited humans and regard them as gods and worlds. A pretty decent read, though heavier on ideas than on quality writing (as with most scifi), and I liked it. 

The plagues of the title occurred when the human host/god stopped being in charge and instead the micro people ruled and acted without constraints. (That unnuanced summary suggests some dreadful political analogies, but I promise it's better in the story.) Living in the brain, the unruly micro people were able to manipulate chemicals, creating great pain or great pleasure or subtler, more dangerous effects, allowing them to manipulate their god. 

I started thinking about this earlier in the context of my own brain. I'd intended to go to college this evening, weather permitting, for a revision class. Deferring is still my plan, but I'm hoping to pass the exams in January and not need to retake this semester's courses when I return to studying. I need to do well in those because the exam gives only 70% of the total marks and I failed to submit any assignments. I'm obviously going to need every mark I can get, so it mattered to me that I attend tonight's class.

I didn't. Even earlier in the day, I had this miasma of apprehension about going to class. All the usual worries - it will be cold and unpleasant getting there and getting home, you've missed so many classes so you'll feel out of place, you've missed so many classes so you'll be frowned upon, you should be ashamed. Nothing very concrete, little (though enough) to pick at and dismiss with CBT, collectively pressing me down under a hand of disgust and despair. 

I crossed the bridge for home, still undecided, but feeling the "don't go/I don't want to go/it's not safe for you" crowd in on me. It was dark and cold and sad out. I needed to be safe. 

Inside, I dumped all my belongings and coat as usual, immediately tended the gadgets that reassure and distract me. PC, radiator, iPad. I turned each of them on and my anti-college mind shape relaxed its grip, feeling me prepare for a night in. It took me food and about ten minutes gazing at IRC and twitter before I could contemplate college again. I looked at the clock and thought about it, and like swift chastisement from angry brain inhabitants (!) the sense of being too terrible to leave the house, a waste of space, punched back in. Some more self-torment - ah, overtime, I hope it's worth it. 

Each time I obey the life-neutralising feeling bundles like the anti-college collection or the people-hate-you party, I'm left with shame and relief. I want to do the things they stop me doing, I don't want to do them, and it's a matter of luck or support which way I end up swinging. Perhaps if it was really a group of tiny people, I could reason with them, get them on my side?. I know that in years of thinking and writing to the school-phobic side of me, nothing in there has changed; it's more resilient than any of my other, dwindling hangups. Indeed, the farther I get from past genuinely horrible experiences, the less I dare to do. I'm beginning to think this is a battle I can't win alone, not yet. 

Comments

[dar]

...That sounds disturbingly like Scientology, that concept 0_o Okay, it's not alien ghosts sticking to your soul, but the same basic idea.

You're right, though, you don't have to fight alone.

[phoenix]

It's not at all alike, even from my poor description of the book.

You're right, though, you don't have to fight alone.
Well, theoretically.

[dar]

Well, just the first thing I thought, that's all. ...Actually, the first thing I thought was "Hm, 'heavier on ideas than on quality writing (as with most scifi)?', yeah that's true, but it shouldn't be, because the best sci-fi is about how people react to the concept, not the concept itself."

Well, it's not like it's a battle you can't ever win.

[phoenix]

I believe in my own ability to stomp down this path, I don't believe others have both the will and ability to keep me company.

[dar]

I also believe in your ability to stomp down that path. You can definitely believe I have the will, though the ability is a work-in-progress.

[jd]

A SUNSPEAR NEVER FIGHTS ALONE

[damanique]

I have felt that anxiety about going to college for years and years before and I finally conquered it almost two years ago, and there's really no magical solution for it. It took me long enough; I may have hated going to school for ten years, since highschool on, before I finally stopped and all the anxiety went away.

I'm rambling but I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're intelligent, you're hard-working, and you'll grown and learn. There will be a point that the anxiety and apprehension will leave you and you'll beat it.

Looking back, all of my fears and hang-ups had nothing to do with college, but college triggered them. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not fitting in.

You don't have to fight alone, but it's something you can only conquer yourself, if that makes sense. In a way it's about conquering yourself more than anything.

[delight]

I actually really liked that book, though a lot of the worldbuilding was hard for me to follow.

[dreamatdrew]

Brain Plague makes a bit more sense if you read the other novels in that cluster. (I don't wanna say series here, cuz, well, they're not, really, but they're in the same universe at least.) The other 3 are A Door Into Ocean, Daughters of Elysium, and The Children Star. I think I have e-book copies should you wish to get into them before you can find them.

(Yeah, I loved those books. Can ya tell?)